Unprepared

Theres not too much to say really today. It’s been pretty uneventful. I feel the same, low, crappy and disinterested in everything. I just wanna feel normal again, I don’t want to be worrying about getting up the stairs to go the toilet. I want to be able to sleep properly at night and not think about in the morning having a wash is such a huge effort. I want to be able to do something that interests me in the daytime. I went out in the car today but that was an effort and I slept when I got back. I was totally unprepared for all of this transplant malakry. It was sprung on me so quick, I knew I’d feel ill but not as ill as I have done.

I want to be able to have the energy to talk to people but I just don’t. I have a vague interest in football but even that is limited. My taste is so buggered, everything has to be piping hot and flavoured up for me. I want visitors but I hope you don’t expect too much from me, I just don’t have the energy to be all chatty and talkative at the moment.

I cried this afternoon, I just don’t see an end to all this and that’s hard for me at the moment, I want to be able to do stuff but I just don’t have the motivation. Its like in the day, what do you do? There’s only so much time you can spend on facebook, I cant concentrate on books properly and dvds just don’t interest me. Everything I had had has been taken away and sometimes I just want it all to be over. I don’t know how much more I can deal with. At the moment I cant even contemplate having a bone marrow transplant, I don’t know if I could put myself through it for the minimal odds of it even working. But maybe my attitude will change with time I don’t know. I feel like I just wanna sleep all the time because then I don’t have to think about things and I can relax but if I sleep too much in the day I worry I wont sleep at night. It’s a vicious circle.

To be honest I cant say anything else, theres noone that can understand how I’m feeling right now to be honest and as much as I try and explain things that’s not going to change. I just wish I felt more positive. Its just a waiting game now and I cant tell if the chemo has worked, all I know is my breathing is improved, which is great sign yeh but for how long? Its anyones guess.

I guess I just have to try and believe it will get better, well it has too cos it cant get much worse.

Mel xx