Another day on Toghill Ward....

Its been a another average day here really in the land of My Hospital Room! I had really intense back pain through the night like I mentioned I had yesterday in the day. It’s the tumour pressing on nerves and stuff in my chest but it is SOO painful, I aint gonna lie! I’ve been on constant oramorph (Tastes RANK!) which is a strong painkiller but they tend to like knock me out a bit at a time so I’ll have periods in the day where I can’t keep my eyes open!! It doesn’t take it off but it makes it bearable. They are putting me on some stronger and more regular stuff tomorrow I think so I’m hoping that will help more and stuff though at the moment, without wanting to jinx anything its bearable.

My symptoms are also back with a vengeance because I was only allowed 5 days of steroids so they wore off and my swelling in my face where the tumour is pressing on veins is back, as is the severe breathing difficulties, swallowing is also an effort, not painful just an effort cos of where its pressing! We spoke to the doctor this morning (just the on call one) and because it’s a weekend chemo isn’t starting till Monday so she has given me half the dose of steroids I was on before to help ease my symptoms. I think they are working though obviously it’ll be tomorrow I’ll tell.

I am virtually bedridden at the moment, I need a chair to get to the loo and I am now on oxygen though that is more for comfort than absolutely necessary, like I could manage without it but its far more comfortable with it! I think the scary thing with this is that I know it’s the cancer causing the problems, its not side effects of treatment that I know will improve with time etc, its scarier that the cancer is causing the pain and discomfort really. I mean I know what it is in terms of how its causing it so it doesn’t scare me in that sense but its horrible knowing it’s the disease that causes it. When I;ve felt bad before generally its treatment side effects. And this pain is new, I mean I’ve had it before but never as bad as this.

My line is ok and worked this morning! Woohoo! Such a relief to see it working and everything!! Its still a tad sore but nothing major and its getting easier to put weight on my leg when I do stand up with it. Apparently last night there was some crazy lady on the ward causing havoc, wandering round, I wondered why all the corridor lights were on and there was so much activity cos I was half awake anyway cos of my pain. But apparently she’s discharged herself tonight! Lol so the nurses said they hoped for a quieter night! She wandered into our room earlier and asked if she could phone someone! We were like ‘erm go ask a nurse?’

Nurses were soooo good last night though, they sorted everything out straight away and got the doctors onto it, I can’t credit them enough right now. They stayed with me and comforted me and everything.

My other nan came today which was nice and she treated me normally which is good cos sometimes she can be a bit pitying which I feel weird with but she was fine today. And my little cousins sent me a video message which really made me laugh and smile. And my aunty came too and she was fine, as always and we had a good laugh. I’m eating ok and today’s food was the best so far, chicken for dinner and then chips, beans and sausage for tea. Also managed a good few ham cobs in between!!

I read a blog tonight of a mother whose daughter had cancer called Neuroblastoma, this little girl was only like 4 when diagnosed and then it came back when she was around 7, I couldn’t believe how brave she sounded and how much she’d been through. The cancer isn’t cureable, just treatable and it was amazing how the family seemed to cope! I was so amazed. People have said I cope with things well and everything but I just get on with it, I don’t have a special way of dealing or anything. I find it easier being honest and open with people than bottling things up, I think I would go crazy if I did that! I have hope and I believe in that even though I’m realistic, I think that’s how I have to look at it now. You have to hope but you can allow yourself to be low if you need to be. Hopefully these steroids will keep my moods up too! As well as my appetite!!

I just get scared of moving at the min cos of my back pain but I’m hoping that will ease within next few days or so. I feel ok in myself, not thinking too much about things and making the most of what I can do at the minute. At least Liverpool won a game at last! Woohoo! Still think Rafa should leave though!

Anyways I think its time for a sleeping pill and bedtime!

Night Night xxxx