Unfair

I’m feeling pretty shitty if I’m honest. Physically I’m improving but emotionally im finding this very hard right now. Mum and dad r both too ill to visit again and I need them so much to be here, I just wanna cry all the time and I just don’t know how im supposed to be coping to be honest. My aunty and friend are visiting and that has helped but there’s nothing quite like having your mum and dad around supporting you.

My counts are on the up and they say I should be allowed home by the middle of next week which is great I know but I just cant even seem to see that far ahead right now. I just feel so depressed and I don’t know how to get myself out of it. I feel so weak and energyless its untrue and my swallowing is so painful at times. The diorrea is pretty much gone, not wanting to jinx anything and the side effects are easing but it’s a slow process. I wasn’t prepared for how shitty this whole thing makes you feel I swear. I don’t think you can be. Its sooo sooo hard, the hardest thing ive ever done in my life and like I said…its made me consider my options with regards to a bone marrow transplant….its just so hard when you know that it’s a slim chance of a cure as well.

To be honest theres not much else I can say so im gonna leave it there. Im so mad at the world right now that everyone is ill when I need them…I know they want to be here but its so frustrating – why aren’t we ever due some luck???? Its NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WANT TO SCREAMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY ME????? WHY DID I HAVE TO GET STUPID FUCKIN CANCER!!!!!!!! I WAS FINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WAS ENJOYING UNI AND NOW THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOW I MIGHT NEVER GO BK AND ITS NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m sorry I had to rant.
Mel x