Feelin Crap

Well I couldn’t update yesterday because I felt so shit. Today hasn’t been great but I have some energy so I thought I would keep everyone updated. I feel like shite if I’m honest! Monday night was relentless sickness and the chemo is really kicking in now and unless u’ve ever had this stuff u cant imagine how bad it makes u feel. No matter how ill you’ve felt with a cold or flu it is nothing like how I feel believe me! I also have excessively bad diarrhea (sorry!) which is apparently due to chemo and is because it’s affected all my gut. This is due to carry on I have been warned.

I feel pretty tired and weak and am gutted cos everyone seems to be getting ill and can’t visit. By that I mean mum and dad which are the two people I need right now! I just pray at least one of them is ok to come tomorrow. I don’t think I can cope on my own right now! I just hope everyone gets better. I’m not up for any other visitors at the min except mum, dad and Becky so although I appreciate the offers its best to stay away as I feel so bad one minute and yet okish the next. I’m feeling low I’ll be honest, this is harder than I thought and I feel so crappy! I just keep trying to think ‘get through the next 10 days and you’ll start to feel better’ but it’s hard to keep thinking that when you feel so shite. It’s starting to get to me that yeh I might never get better and I probably won’t ever return to uni or do a lot of things I wanted to do. I won’t ever have children and the likelihood is this cancer will beat me eventually. However long I get I don’t know. How horrible is that to have to say and I’m sorry if that upsets everyone. It upsets me but it’s realistic. I’m not giving up hope, far from it but it is starting to affect me emotionally now that a Bone Marrow Transplant is unlikely and I don’t think I’ll get that far. It’s getting harder to deal with and I’m gonna keep going, course I am but it is hard.

Gosh it’s a battle with tablets today, my appetite has taken a dip since the sickness and I’m not eating much really. Taking tablets is soo hard. Right I have nothing else left to say really so good night. Again, too tired to update about Willows stuff and fundraising but will get round to it eventually. xxx