Friday 25 January 2008

Feeling low

I feel really crappy now, I don’t know why. I should be happy cos of yesterday but I just feel really low. My cough has got worse and I’m pretty sure I can feel the suffocating feeling I get when the lymphoma is coming back. I’m just paranoid its coming back, I’ve got pain in my chest too which is another symptom. I’m hot and sweaty and I have a headache. Getting up the stairs is harder today than yesterday. I really thought GEMP might do something but maybe it’s just gonna be like all the others, it does something but then it just grows back too quickly….how r they ever gonna get rid of it? I’m beginning to wonder. I've felt ok all day, nans been here and everything so why am I feeling so crappy now. and becky is coming so i feel bad for feeling crap. I want to put on my 'Happy face' but I really don't know if i can. I wish i cud just turn my emotions off. or forget for one day...just one bloody day. One bloody hour.

Sorry I’m being all negative but sometimes I can’t help it. I know my own symptoms now and unfortunately that means I know when its most likely growing and no matter how hard I try to convince myself its ‘energy levels’ deep down I know its probably not that. It’s the lymphoma coming back. I just hope the symptoms don’t get worse before I get any more treatment. If they do get worse I will ring the hospital and they will probs give me some steroids to tide me over. But I hope the GEMP can hold it a little bit, I hope my symptoms don’t get worse. After the high of yesterday I want a nice break from hospital and feeling shit, I want a nice break and feel half normal. I never feel totally normal cos I can't do anything much than walk round the house but you know what I mean. I felt fine all day, i don't know whats suddenly bought this all on.

I had a message on facebook on one of my photos, the one of me on the stem cell machine and it said ‘what on earth is that machine’ I wasn’t impressed, for one the caption explained it all and my group explains why I was on it. I’d been on the thing for 4 hours one day and 5 the other day and had been through a rollercoaster ride of emotions cos of it and someone making such light of it in that insensitive way really bugged me. Maybe its just me. I replied rather blunty explaining but the person didn’t take the hint and continued to ask questions after I’d said everything was fully explained in my group which he then said he didn’t understand. It really gets me that people are so insensitive, i wish he would just READ THE GROUP!!! Its what its there for, I don’t care if he is reading this because it really irritated me. It was an insensitive way of asking what it was and I really don’t even know him that well, if it was a close friend I don’t think I would have minded so much but I really hardly know them. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!sorry just frustration.

I’ll probs feel better tomorrow, these moods don’t usually last too long and Becky is coming home which is really good so I want to enjoy that. But she’s had problems with the trains and had to pay 64 quid cos the tickets she prebooked weren’t there and they had no record. And she was upset and i feel bad cos shes only coming bk cos of how I am and its just…………ohhhh I’m just on a downer and being stupid. I'll probably be fine tomorrow. I will be.

My hair is growing back and I have like a skinhead! That’s a positive.
I had a message from an old burton albion footballer on facebook which realy cheered me up and it was nice to hear how he was getting on in NZ and to know he'd seen what had happened and taken the time to say something. and all the messages from friends have been great.
I’m going now cos I’m fed up.
xx

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Stay positve, God is in total control remember he holds the whole universe in one hand & he's holding you too, he knows each star by name & how much more he cares for you. We live in a non perfect world, so bad things happen to good people. Use this time to evaluate how precious life is & make the most of every moment. Gods waiting for you to reach out & let him carry this burden so you don't have to. I lovee you my friend, & i am praying for you. I too have non hodgkins lymphoma. I know it's small in the big picture of life.