Boxing Day and New Years....not the best...

On Boxing day me and Becky sat downstairs playing on our computers when we were told that our Granddad, who I mentioned previously had been ill for some time had been taken into hospital and had died. His breathing problems had essentially got too much and they couldn’t save him. My mum went to the hospital with my dad, my Nan and her sister and brother (my aunty and uncle). Thats my nan and granddad during Christmas 2006, a year ago.

It was an awful thing to happen but not totally unexpected in some ways. It was hard for me to deal with, I couldn’t think about it with everything else that was going on and I shut it to the back of my mind and tried my hardest not to think about it until the day of the funeral…2 weeks later. I did sometimes think about it and I miss my Granddad a lot, I’ve become close to him in the last few years especially since I started uni and he used to enjoy looking at my photos and hearing stories of what we’d all been up too. I was also sad for my nan as she was now totally alone though we see much more of her now, as she was always constantly caring for my Granddad before.

The funeral was hard and I cried, a lot. I was able to go though thankfully and I was also able to go afterwards to my aunties house once a lot of people had left as I was prone to infection that week so we waited until the majority of people had gone. I talked to the psychologist about it and that helped. But I still feel in a way I havent; dealt with it yet but I can’t properly even now because one negative thought leads to more and I can’t let myself go down that road.

Of course I think about my granddad but I can’t let myself properly freely think about it because its too hard. That’s probably cowardly and sounds silly but it’s my way of dealing with it right now and its how I’ve dealt with it up to now. One day I’ll let myself think about it and about him and about everything but now isn’t that time. I think my mum is ok, I think she found it hard obviously but things are pretty much as normal as you get in our house at the minute, I know she finds it hard but I think we’re all ok.
New Years was also difficult, my Nan was here which was nice but at the same time you can’t help thinking again ‘where will we be next year’ and all the stupid chain texts you get didn’t help me feel better to be honest. My new year wasn’t great and I was petrified about what 2008 might bring, not particularly looking forward to it to be honest! And reflecting on 2007 wasn’t really what I wanted either especially the last 6 months! I had a few nice, personal texts that I was fine with but to be honest it wasn’t the greatest New Year. I had no choice but to stay in and watch TV, I couldn’t go out and get drunk or anything so it was pretty boring. It was nice spending it with the family but it was still quite hard to get through. And the days after when everyone asks how it was….what do you say…?

So that was my Christmas and New year….not the greatest I’ve had I have to say….