Cant be bothered

Just to let you know we went to clinic on Wednesday and saw Dr. Haynes. The news is positive. The xray i had last week shows a reduction in the tumour and my chest is definteley better than it was before the transplant. Its held it for 3 weeks so far which is the longest its ever held for and all the signs are positive. We are on target to get to the bone marrow transplant, if it can continue to hold it. I will have a PET scan within the next week or so to confirm all this and alot depends on that. They have 2 potential donors and once the PEt scan comes back, if the results are good from that then they will start to look at planning the donor transplant. It is good news but it also does not mean everything is all ok and i'm deffo gonna get the BMT. It means we are on target and so far everything is going to plan which is great but we need to take everything in perspective and in context. The PET scan results are essentially what is important but so far so good! I don't have any more chemo now, its a case of this last lot ive had holding it for as long as possible, until i'm ready for the BMT essentially.So yeh thats the news. So far so good!!

I'm not really updating at the minute cos to be quite frank i dont have the energy or motivation. I am slowly improving but its really slow and my energy levels and interest levels are pretty low right now. Having visitors really tires me out and sometimes its hard when they are here to make conversation so i apologise if you've been and i've not talked much. I went to birmingham on Friday and it was good but it was also very hard, a year ago i was involved in the elections, this year i found it a struggle to stand for a 5 minute game of pool.

Nothing really seems real to me at the minute, i feel like im living my life from the outside. I feel i should be interested in more but i'm not. I can sit and stare at the TV for an hour or without taking in anything thats on it but there's nothing else to do. Moving from the sofa is an effort, getting up is an effort, having a wash is an effort. Writing this is an effort.

And yeh we've had good news but its all got to be in context, this time next week my symptoms could be back though obv we try not to think like that. we are realistic in the fact that it could happen.

Also my side effects are still here, my aching legs arent going away, i can't taste food, my mouth is sooooo dry its untrue. Its really really hard and its gonna take months to recover. then should i recover i have to rewind 12 weeks and do it all again with the bone marrow transplant. an even more complex and dangerous procudure that involves the same side effects but probably worse. but then if i dont get to that stage it means the sct didnt work and we move to pallitive care which obv we dont want so im in a no win situation really. well i guess the bmt is the win situation but when ur going thru it it bloody well wont be.

i dont really know what else to say, except yeh im fed up! if u cant tell. i wish i felt more inclinced to do stuff but i really don't. i'm sick of being ill, im sick of having cancer, im sick of telling people how i feel and just cos im not smiling and happy im not ok, i probably am in terms of me being ok but me being ok isnt a normal persons being ok. I feel fat and bloated, i feel weak and tired and not like me. i dont feel like me anymore and thats what i cant stand. im sick of being ill. i dont like being bald anymore, i hate the fact that i have to force myself to want visitors, cos i know i should have them, i'm just not very chatty when they come and then i feel bad cos i feel like i should have made an effort.

and so yeh thats my rant for today. sorry its so negative but i just cant be arsed to gloss over the reality. This is shit. recovery is slow and im fed up.

i guess i should be grateful we got good news....its just sometimes its as hard to take that as the bad news.

mel xx

ps - i apologise for the spelling and grammar in this blog but i wrote it in blogspot n u cant spellcheck etc n im being lazy when i type.