I may update later properly but now we are back to this blog permanantly, the other one wont be used anymore so this is back to where we are.
Mel xx
Monday, 25 February 2008
Unfair
I’m feeling pretty shitty if I’m honest. Physically I’m improving but emotionally im finding this very hard right now. Mum and dad r both too ill to visit again and I need them so much to be here, I just wanna cry all the time and I just don’t know how im supposed to be coping to be honest. My aunty and friend are visiting and that has helped but there’s nothing quite like having your mum and dad around supporting you.
My counts are on the up and they say I should be allowed home by the middle of next week which is great I know but I just cant even seem to see that far ahead right now. I just feel so depressed and I don’t know how to get myself out of it. I feel so weak and energyless its untrue and my swallowing is so painful at times. The diorrea is pretty much gone, not wanting to jinx anything and the side effects are easing but it’s a slow process. I wasn’t prepared for how shitty this whole thing makes you feel I swear. I don’t think you can be. Its sooo sooo hard, the hardest thing ive ever done in my life and like I said…its made me consider my options with regards to a bone marrow transplant….its just so hard when you know that it’s a slim chance of a cure as well.
To be honest theres not much else I can say so im gonna leave it there. Im so mad at the world right now that everyone is ill when I need them…I know they want to be here but its so frustrating – why aren’t we ever due some luck???? Its NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WANT TO SCREAMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY ME????? WHY DID I HAVE TO GET STUPID FUCKIN CANCER!!!!!!!! I WAS FINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WAS ENJOYING UNI AND NOW THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOW I MIGHT NEVER GO BK AND ITS NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m sorry I had to rant.
Mel x
My counts are on the up and they say I should be allowed home by the middle of next week which is great I know but I just cant even seem to see that far ahead right now. I just feel so depressed and I don’t know how to get myself out of it. I feel so weak and energyless its untrue and my swallowing is so painful at times. The diorrea is pretty much gone, not wanting to jinx anything and the side effects are easing but it’s a slow process. I wasn’t prepared for how shitty this whole thing makes you feel I swear. I don’t think you can be. Its sooo sooo hard, the hardest thing ive ever done in my life and like I said…its made me consider my options with regards to a bone marrow transplant….its just so hard when you know that it’s a slim chance of a cure as well.
To be honest theres not much else I can say so im gonna leave it there. Im so mad at the world right now that everyone is ill when I need them…I know they want to be here but its so frustrating – why aren’t we ever due some luck???? Its NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WANT TO SCREAMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY ME????? WHY DID I HAVE TO GET STUPID FUCKIN CANCER!!!!!!!! I WAS FINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WAS ENJOYING UNI AND NOW THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOW I MIGHT NEVER GO BK AND ITS NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m sorry I had to rant.
Mel x
Back Again
This shouldn’t be too long but then again it is me and we know how I like to ramble on! Lol, I thought I would give you guys some sort of update on here. The last 4 or 5 days have been probably the worst of my life if I’m honest. I don’t remember too much about them, I’ve been pretty spaced out most of the time, I don’t really even remember my aunty visiting on Sunday morning, sorry Karen!
I’ve been asleep for most of the days, too weak to move really from the bed, I haven’t wanted to talk to anyone, my mouth has been so dry I haven’t eaten anything properly, I had/have a bad pain when I swallow which is still bothering me but I have been told will ease. I also had really bad diorrea but that, touch wood, seems to have slowed down now with some new medicine but for a while it was bad! Unless you have ever had this high dose chemo stuff you can’t begin to imagine rough it makes you feel, bad man-flu – not a patch, it’s awful, I can’t put into words how ill its made me. How it still is making me cos I’m by no means better as I write this. Yes I am now capable of speech and staying alert for longer periods of time but I am still hooked up to fluids 24/7, can’t swallow tablets really and am very very weak but I am showing small signs of improvement.
My hair is coming out again, like it had grown back but I’ll be bald again by tomorrow or Friday I should think. Not that its an issue anymore anyway! I’m sorry for the blunt way I put across about texts the other day, its just that I was getting about 5 or 6 a day saying ‘How r u feeling today’ and I didn’t have the strength to reply and the point of these blogs and facebook groups is for you to find that out! And also we don’t know if the chemo is working yet, without scans its impossible to tell, yes there is more air moving in my lungs which we take as a positive sign but we don’t know anything and we won’t until I have a scan in a few weeks. Even then, it will probably have caused some kind of response but it’s a case of waiting, if my symptoms come back in 4 weeks, it’s worked for 4 weeks, if they come back in 3 months it’s worked for 3 months….it really is a waiting game with no clear answers.
Other than that I’ve felt very low emotionally and it really has made me wonder if I would undergo a bone marrow transplant for the small chance of cure it could offer me, its a lot to put my body through. I mean you think I’ve put myself through this in the realistic frame of mind I’ll get 2-3 weeks, potentially a bit more of feeling ok. Not a lot really is it?
A bone marrow transplant, yeah offers me a chance of a cure but that chance is still only 25-30% which isn’t a lot so I’d be putting myself at a very big risk for a 20-30% chance of cure. I know you probably think it’s selfish but part of me would just want them to control it at that stage and give me as long as possible with the best quality of life. I don’t wanna spend the rest of my life in and out of hospital feeling like shit! But this is a long way off and I’d be asking lots of questions before I took a final decision. Besides chances of us getting this far is minimal anyway! The risk of GvHD (See glossary if you don’t know about it) is also a risk factor, having donor bone marrow is a risk in itself, the risk to your organs, its not exactly a straight forward treatment!!!
My Willows foundation day is taking shape nicely now and soon I will reveal all the details and dates. It’s basically going to be a big party but during the day not the night, for all my friends and family. Me and my family will have a sit down meal before all my friends arrive in the afternoon for a casino theme afternoon with poker and casino tables and then we’ll with karaoke in the early evening. There will be food in the afternoon as well. It will be held in Burton at Burton Albion’s ground as they have a big facility there that we can use. The only thing you would need to pay for would be travel costs of getting to Burton but its cheap from Brum (less than a £5 return) and for those of you travelling from that bit further then there may be a way the foundation are able to fund some of your expenses. It really would be appreciated if you could come if you can as it the one day I really want to enjoy everyone being together. It’s not about coming and getting drunk though I’m sure there will be some alcohol available, that’s not what it’s about. Obviously I can only invite a certain number of people but I will be letting them know in the next week or so who they are. There is a fair few of you don’t worry but obviously I’m limited in terms of space and capacity plus I have family and friends from both Burton and Uni!!!
Also my aunty is doing the trek of the Great Wall of China and all the money is going to The Lymphoma Association and Nottingham Hospital.
If you wish to donate the websites are as follows:
www.justgiving.com/MelsFight is for the Lymphoma Association.
www.justgiving.com/MelsFight2 is for the hospital.
The Lymphoma Association has helped me loads in terms of putting me in contact with fellow sufferers and has provided so much information and obviously the hospital one is where I am being treated.
Also my cousin Sarah is doing Race for life in June and so if you want to sponsor her please feel free, this is for cancer research uk but she hasn’t given me a link yet to a fundraising page but when she does I’ll put it up.
I think that’s about it for now really, it was nice to see dad tonight briefly and hopefully in the next day or so he’ll be back properly. I’m still not up for any other visitors but will let you know when I am.
Thanks guys
Mel xx
I’ve been asleep for most of the days, too weak to move really from the bed, I haven’t wanted to talk to anyone, my mouth has been so dry I haven’t eaten anything properly, I had/have a bad pain when I swallow which is still bothering me but I have been told will ease. I also had really bad diorrea but that, touch wood, seems to have slowed down now with some new medicine but for a while it was bad! Unless you have ever had this high dose chemo stuff you can’t begin to imagine rough it makes you feel, bad man-flu – not a patch, it’s awful, I can’t put into words how ill its made me. How it still is making me cos I’m by no means better as I write this. Yes I am now capable of speech and staying alert for longer periods of time but I am still hooked up to fluids 24/7, can’t swallow tablets really and am very very weak but I am showing small signs of improvement.
My hair is coming out again, like it had grown back but I’ll be bald again by tomorrow or Friday I should think. Not that its an issue anymore anyway! I’m sorry for the blunt way I put across about texts the other day, its just that I was getting about 5 or 6 a day saying ‘How r u feeling today’ and I didn’t have the strength to reply and the point of these blogs and facebook groups is for you to find that out! And also we don’t know if the chemo is working yet, without scans its impossible to tell, yes there is more air moving in my lungs which we take as a positive sign but we don’t know anything and we won’t until I have a scan in a few weeks. Even then, it will probably have caused some kind of response but it’s a case of waiting, if my symptoms come back in 4 weeks, it’s worked for 4 weeks, if they come back in 3 months it’s worked for 3 months….it really is a waiting game with no clear answers.
Other than that I’ve felt very low emotionally and it really has made me wonder if I would undergo a bone marrow transplant for the small chance of cure it could offer me, its a lot to put my body through. I mean you think I’ve put myself through this in the realistic frame of mind I’ll get 2-3 weeks, potentially a bit more of feeling ok. Not a lot really is it?
A bone marrow transplant, yeah offers me a chance of a cure but that chance is still only 25-30% which isn’t a lot so I’d be putting myself at a very big risk for a 20-30% chance of cure. I know you probably think it’s selfish but part of me would just want them to control it at that stage and give me as long as possible with the best quality of life. I don’t wanna spend the rest of my life in and out of hospital feeling like shit! But this is a long way off and I’d be asking lots of questions before I took a final decision. Besides chances of us getting this far is minimal anyway! The risk of GvHD (See glossary if you don’t know about it) is also a risk factor, having donor bone marrow is a risk in itself, the risk to your organs, its not exactly a straight forward treatment!!!
My Willows foundation day is taking shape nicely now and soon I will reveal all the details and dates. It’s basically going to be a big party but during the day not the night, for all my friends and family. Me and my family will have a sit down meal before all my friends arrive in the afternoon for a casino theme afternoon with poker and casino tables and then we’ll with karaoke in the early evening. There will be food in the afternoon as well. It will be held in Burton at Burton Albion’s ground as they have a big facility there that we can use. The only thing you would need to pay for would be travel costs of getting to Burton but its cheap from Brum (less than a £5 return) and for those of you travelling from that bit further then there may be a way the foundation are able to fund some of your expenses. It really would be appreciated if you could come if you can as it the one day I really want to enjoy everyone being together. It’s not about coming and getting drunk though I’m sure there will be some alcohol available, that’s not what it’s about. Obviously I can only invite a certain number of people but I will be letting them know in the next week or so who they are. There is a fair few of you don’t worry but obviously I’m limited in terms of space and capacity plus I have family and friends from both Burton and Uni!!!
Also my aunty is doing the trek of the Great Wall of China and all the money is going to The Lymphoma Association and Nottingham Hospital.
If you wish to donate the websites are as follows:
www.justgiving.com/MelsFight is for the Lymphoma Association.
www.justgiving.com/MelsFight2 is for the hospital.
The Lymphoma Association has helped me loads in terms of putting me in contact with fellow sufferers and has provided so much information and obviously the hospital one is where I am being treated.
Also my cousin Sarah is doing Race for life in June and so if you want to sponsor her please feel free, this is for cancer research uk but she hasn’t given me a link yet to a fundraising page but when she does I’ll put it up.
I think that’s about it for now really, it was nice to see dad tonight briefly and hopefully in the next day or so he’ll be back properly. I’m still not up for any other visitors but will let you know when I am.
Thanks guys
Mel xx
Weak - 2am update inc
I feel so weak and crappy, i dont know how i am amanging to write. Stop sending me message saying 'how r u today?' i cant answer and most of the time i feel like shit. Its what Facebook and this blog is for. I'm not saying dont text me but text me normal stuff or i' hope ur feeling better' - just dont ask! please.
Thats it for today cos i feel sooo weak
Mel xx
Its now 245 am and im awake but slolwy drifting off. they give me this anti cikness drug that makes me high and then kncocks me out. Sorry to be so blunt earlier but when iget about 5 days a day sayin 'How r feeling today' i can't answer!! i feel toomuch like shit, if you wana know read this and facebook. Its why they are here. by all means wish me well and text me but please no silly questions. u can ask how i am in a facebook message everynow and again but not all the time. My dry mouth is my issue at the min as well as the diorrea which isnt really easing. i can barely eat or drink its just so dry.
Dr. Haynes came into and said everything was normal, my breaathing was better, counts have dropped faster than i thought though and i'm due 2 bags of blood tomorow. Alll my drugs are given throuhg my line and my drip as i cant swallow tablets at the min.
the drive for the xray dept was fun tnoihgt - they wanted to chekcn nothing wrong with my abdomen cos its been hurting alotMum cam 2day with becky and that was good. im leaving it here xxxxxx
Thats it for today cos i feel sooo weak
Mel xx
Its now 245 am and im awake but slolwy drifting off. they give me this anti cikness drug that makes me high and then kncocks me out. Sorry to be so blunt earlier but when iget about 5 days a day sayin 'How r feeling today' i can't answer!! i feel toomuch like shit, if you wana know read this and facebook. Its why they are here. by all means wish me well and text me but please no silly questions. u can ask how i am in a facebook message everynow and again but not all the time. My dry mouth is my issue at the min as well as the diorrea which isnt really easing. i can barely eat or drink its just so dry.
Dr. Haynes came into and said everything was normal, my breaathing was better, counts have dropped faster than i thought though and i'm due 2 bags of blood tomorow. Alll my drugs are given throuhg my line and my drip as i cant swallow tablets at the min.
the drive for the xray dept was fun tnoihgt - they wanted to chekcn nothing wrong with my abdomen cos its been hurting alotMum cam 2day with becky and that was good. im leaving it here xxxxxx
Ice Lollies
Well I feel a bit better today, I’ve barely been on oxygen and my breathing feels a lot better than it did yetsreday, the doctor thinks its cos the fluids have slowed down! Thank goodness!! Though I don’t wanna jinx anything so keep your fingers crossed I carry on feeling this way! No sickness since Monday night again but I don’t wanna jinx anything cos it took a few days last time to kick in so maybe this is the calm before the storm! No sore mouth yet either but I’m addicted to ice lollies so maybe they are helping!
I had to suck on them while they gave me one of the chemo drugs and ever since I’ve had this weird craving, I can’t stop eating them at all!!! And I’m getting cravings for like fruit, I just had an apple and if you know me then you’ll know that is weird!!! I’m getting some starburst sweets tomorrow and more lollies and orange squash – my appetite is sooo weird right now!!
I actually forgot to say yesterday cos I felt so crap that I had my stem cells back in, it went fine genereally, the nurse stays with you the whole time and it takes about an hour, its like having a blood transfusion except quicker! And they monitor your obs like every 5 mins. I went a bit hot and a bit breathless and the doctor came in to check me over but I was ok in the end and they were able to carry on. I didn’t taste the weird taste in my mouth though my mouth did feel a bit weird like I couldn’t swallow properly. But generally it was uneventful and now it’s a case of waiting for them to work! It can take 10 days for my counts to rise so its gonna be a rough ride for a week or so in terms of feeling washed out and also I’m really prone to infection now.
I got a lovely surprise at 6pm this evening when not only did I have my clexane injection as normal which did bloody hurt today!! They also gave me my GCSF injections – apparently I’m starting them again now to raise my counts! Fun stuff – so 2 injections to look forward to each day though at least GCSF aren’t as bad though the side effects of aching can be, but being in here I’ll be allowed some good strong pain relief so I’m not too worried.
I feel ok in myself today, I spoke to mum about stuff I wrote last night and I also rang the Lymphoma association for a chat which was useful and tomorrow a psychologist is coming to see me so I think that will help a lot. Alison, the stem cell nurse came to see me today to see how I was which was really nice and again all the nurses up here have been great in looking after me.
The downside at the min is that everyone is ill, both mum and dad can’t visit now so I’m a bit of a loner. It’s frustrating and upsetting but it can’t be helped and with me being at my most prone to infection at the min it just isn’t worth the risk of them coming. I’ll cope and we’ll get through it and it’s only one day because Becky can come all day Friday and spend the day here. Nan is bringing some stuff in the morning and sooty is coming in the afternoon to keep me company otherwise I think I might just go crazy sat here on my own all day!! So I really appreciate that!
I’m still suffering badly with the runs (sorry again) but they said as soon as they know its not an infection they can give me something to help it so I’m gonna keep pestering!!!
Right on that note I think I shall go……..night night xxx
I had to suck on them while they gave me one of the chemo drugs and ever since I’ve had this weird craving, I can’t stop eating them at all!!! And I’m getting cravings for like fruit, I just had an apple and if you know me then you’ll know that is weird!!! I’m getting some starburst sweets tomorrow and more lollies and orange squash – my appetite is sooo weird right now!!
I actually forgot to say yesterday cos I felt so crap that I had my stem cells back in, it went fine genereally, the nurse stays with you the whole time and it takes about an hour, its like having a blood transfusion except quicker! And they monitor your obs like every 5 mins. I went a bit hot and a bit breathless and the doctor came in to check me over but I was ok in the end and they were able to carry on. I didn’t taste the weird taste in my mouth though my mouth did feel a bit weird like I couldn’t swallow properly. But generally it was uneventful and now it’s a case of waiting for them to work! It can take 10 days for my counts to rise so its gonna be a rough ride for a week or so in terms of feeling washed out and also I’m really prone to infection now.
I got a lovely surprise at 6pm this evening when not only did I have my clexane injection as normal which did bloody hurt today!! They also gave me my GCSF injections – apparently I’m starting them again now to raise my counts! Fun stuff – so 2 injections to look forward to each day though at least GCSF aren’t as bad though the side effects of aching can be, but being in here I’ll be allowed some good strong pain relief so I’m not too worried.
I feel ok in myself today, I spoke to mum about stuff I wrote last night and I also rang the Lymphoma association for a chat which was useful and tomorrow a psychologist is coming to see me so I think that will help a lot. Alison, the stem cell nurse came to see me today to see how I was which was really nice and again all the nurses up here have been great in looking after me.
The downside at the min is that everyone is ill, both mum and dad can’t visit now so I’m a bit of a loner. It’s frustrating and upsetting but it can’t be helped and with me being at my most prone to infection at the min it just isn’t worth the risk of them coming. I’ll cope and we’ll get through it and it’s only one day because Becky can come all day Friday and spend the day here. Nan is bringing some stuff in the morning and sooty is coming in the afternoon to keep me company otherwise I think I might just go crazy sat here on my own all day!! So I really appreciate that!
I’m still suffering badly with the runs (sorry again) but they said as soon as they know its not an infection they can give me something to help it so I’m gonna keep pestering!!!
Right on that note I think I shall go……..night night xxx
Feelin Low
I’m feeling pretty low right now, I don’t know how much I can really say. I miss my mum and dad soo much here and I just want them to be better so they can come see me. I’m praying mum is ok for tomorrow, I know dad wont be but I need someone. Sooty came today and bought me rose and its one of the nicest things anyone’s ever given me, esp on valentines day so I much appreciated it.
I also saw the psychologist which did help and she showed me some relaxation techniques to help me sleep as I didn’t sleep at all well last night. They have also given me a different sleeping pill called zopiclone which I have had before and worked well so I’m hoping that helps as well. I just can’t get comfy, I asked for paracetomol to see if it helps as well. My back is just so uncomfortable, not the pain had before, just cos I’m sitting all day I think.
They have discovered there are no bugs in the diorrea issues so they have finally given me something to help plus aload of fluids which I’ve been connected to all bloody day! They should finish sometime in the morning so I may well be free of the drip though I’m sure they’ll connect me to something! Antibiotics most likely. My stomach feels a bit queasy today too and I’m finding it really hard to eat or drink anything. Taking tablets is such a mission, especially in a morning when I have what seems like a million.
I had both my injections which weren’t too bad tonight and generally it’s been an uneventful day, a long day but made easier by Sooty’s visit. I just feel like I want to cry all the time at the min, maybe I should, it might help, I think its just hitting me now. It was much easier to be positive at first, esp when I felt psychically okish but now I feel weak and psychically in discomfort its much harder. And the days are so long now, they used to go quick but now they don’t! I just have to keep thinking that there is an end and I will get home eventually! Gosh I cant wait to step into my house! And into ‘my’ bed and have proper cooking again…………
Anyway that’s all for tonight
Mel xxx
I also saw the psychologist which did help and she showed me some relaxation techniques to help me sleep as I didn’t sleep at all well last night. They have also given me a different sleeping pill called zopiclone which I have had before and worked well so I’m hoping that helps as well. I just can’t get comfy, I asked for paracetomol to see if it helps as well. My back is just so uncomfortable, not the pain had before, just cos I’m sitting all day I think.
They have discovered there are no bugs in the diorrea issues so they have finally given me something to help plus aload of fluids which I’ve been connected to all bloody day! They should finish sometime in the morning so I may well be free of the drip though I’m sure they’ll connect me to something! Antibiotics most likely. My stomach feels a bit queasy today too and I’m finding it really hard to eat or drink anything. Taking tablets is such a mission, especially in a morning when I have what seems like a million.
I had both my injections which weren’t too bad tonight and generally it’s been an uneventful day, a long day but made easier by Sooty’s visit. I just feel like I want to cry all the time at the min, maybe I should, it might help, I think its just hitting me now. It was much easier to be positive at first, esp when I felt psychically okish but now I feel weak and psychically in discomfort its much harder. And the days are so long now, they used to go quick but now they don’t! I just have to keep thinking that there is an end and I will get home eventually! Gosh I cant wait to step into my house! And into ‘my’ bed and have proper cooking again…………
Anyway that’s all for tonight
Mel xxx
Feelin Crap
Well I couldn’t update yesterday because I felt so shit. Today hasn’t been great but I have some energy so I thought I would keep everyone updated. I feel like shite if I’m honest! Monday night was relentless sickness and the chemo is really kicking in now and unless u’ve ever had this stuff u cant imagine how bad it makes u feel. No matter how ill you’ve felt with a cold or flu it is nothing like how I feel believe me! I also have excessively bad diarrhea (sorry!) which is apparently due to chemo and is because it’s affected all my gut. This is due to carry on I have been warned.
I feel pretty tired and weak and am gutted cos everyone seems to be getting ill and can’t visit. By that I mean mum and dad which are the two people I need right now! I just pray at least one of them is ok to come tomorrow. I don’t think I can cope on my own right now! I just hope everyone gets better. I’m not up for any other visitors at the min except mum, dad and Becky so although I appreciate the offers its best to stay away as I feel so bad one minute and yet okish the next. I’m feeling low I’ll be honest, this is harder than I thought and I feel so crappy! I just keep trying to think ‘get through the next 10 days and you’ll start to feel better’ but it’s hard to keep thinking that when you feel so shite. It’s starting to get to me that yeh I might never get better and I probably won’t ever return to uni or do a lot of things I wanted to do. I won’t ever have children and the likelihood is this cancer will beat me eventually. However long I get I don’t know. How horrible is that to have to say and I’m sorry if that upsets everyone. It upsets me but it’s realistic. I’m not giving up hope, far from it but it is starting to affect me emotionally now that a Bone Marrow Transplant is unlikely and I don’t think I’ll get that far. It’s getting harder to deal with and I’m gonna keep going, course I am but it is hard.
Gosh it’s a battle with tablets today, my appetite has taken a dip since the sickness and I’m not eating much really. Taking tablets is soo hard. Right I have nothing else left to say really so good night. Again, too tired to update about Willows stuff and fundraising but will get round to it eventually. xxx
I feel pretty tired and weak and am gutted cos everyone seems to be getting ill and can’t visit. By that I mean mum and dad which are the two people I need right now! I just pray at least one of them is ok to come tomorrow. I don’t think I can cope on my own right now! I just hope everyone gets better. I’m not up for any other visitors at the min except mum, dad and Becky so although I appreciate the offers its best to stay away as I feel so bad one minute and yet okish the next. I’m feeling low I’ll be honest, this is harder than I thought and I feel so crappy! I just keep trying to think ‘get through the next 10 days and you’ll start to feel better’ but it’s hard to keep thinking that when you feel so shite. It’s starting to get to me that yeh I might never get better and I probably won’t ever return to uni or do a lot of things I wanted to do. I won’t ever have children and the likelihood is this cancer will beat me eventually. However long I get I don’t know. How horrible is that to have to say and I’m sorry if that upsets everyone. It upsets me but it’s realistic. I’m not giving up hope, far from it but it is starting to affect me emotionally now that a Bone Marrow Transplant is unlikely and I don’t think I’ll get that far. It’s getting harder to deal with and I’m gonna keep going, course I am but it is hard.
Gosh it’s a battle with tablets today, my appetite has taken a dip since the sickness and I’m not eating much really. Taking tablets is soo hard. Right I have nothing else left to say really so good night. Again, too tired to update about Willows stuff and fundraising but will get round to it eventually. xxx
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